Proper Use Of The Modern English Language

Just keeping you in the loop for proper word choice, always looking out for precision communication.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

2. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'

3. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

4. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE..'

5. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She has had a CEREBRAL LIPOSUCTION.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE

POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1.. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2.. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4.. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5.. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a 

severe case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6.. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

These even made the donkeys grin!!

How We Play With Language! Even If We Are Unaware

A dear friend in India sent this to me and it's too good not to share!

ONLY IN ENGLAND .....

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:

"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."

In a London Laundromat:
"AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT."

Outside a London second-hand shop:
"WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN ??"

Spotted in a safari park:
"ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR."

Seen during a London conference:
"FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE
ON THE 1ST FLOOR"

Notice in a field:
"THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES"

On a repair shop door:
"WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)"

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world :

Doctors clinic, Rome :
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."

Hotel, Acapulco :

"THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE."

In a Nairobi restaurant:

"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER."

"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO."

Interesting...
In a Calcutta Coffee House:
PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS

Lesson for the Morning

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York , she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself . . . Lesson here?

Watch what you say and to who -- I won't restrict this to men!