I miss you Sam!!

I miss you Sam!!
I miss you Sam!!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Alternative Meanings for Common Words

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a-hole.

13 comments:

Anything Fits A Naked Man said...

OK...THAT, was BRILLIANT!! Oh, Sylvia, I can't tell you how much I just enjoyed reading this! Thanks so much for the laugh!

I think my favorite is "Flabbergasted," only because I am experiencing exactly that right now!

bobbie said...

These are always great. God bless the Washington Post.

Sallie (FullTime-Life) said...

Sylvia -- those are so funny -- my kind of humor. (I was going to make a joke about whether you wrote them after my gaffe yesterday -- but thought better of it.) Glad you posted from the Post -- I might have missed it otherwise. TX.

Pat Myers said...

Actually, there isn't any "Mensa Invitational," but The Washington Post does have a wonderfully clever humor contest called The Style Invitational. And two Invitational contests from 1998 are the sources of many of the neologisms in the list above. (But not all: For example, "decafalon" isn't a one-letter change from "decathlon," is it? Or "caterpallor"?)

Much better to see the the current Invitational -- every week at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. We've had more than 600 contests since the ones above! The Style Invitational is published every Saturday in The Post's Style (features) section, and every Friday afternoon at about 3:30 Eastern time. There are neologism contests regularly, but also lots of other sources of humor as well.

For example, here are the top winners of our March 20 neologism contest: Every word had to include a block of three consecutive letters of the alphabet — backward.

Flingpong: Having your own affair to get even with a cheating spouse. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Burpon: Carbonated whiskey. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)


Zyxzag: Path created during a DWI test when the cop makes you walk 20 steps while reciting the alphabet in reverse. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Intellectual DCbility: The newly revised term for “governmental retardation.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)


As for other kinds of humor, the newest results (April 24, 2010) are for funny cheers or fight songs for a city or national sports team: .

Among the winners:

For any team in Florida: Gooooo . . . say, honey, what's the name of the team we like? (George Smith, Frederick, Md.

Team Saudi Arabia: We will, we will stone you! (Peter Metrinko, Gainesville, Va.)

Montreal Alouettes: Gimme an Eh! (Josh Borken, Minneapolis)

Team Mexico baseball: Give us the runs! (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

See the rest of the winners and learn how to enter the current contest at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. Or you can become a fan of "Washington Post Style" on Facebook (go to facebook.com/wapostyle ) and you'll get a link to the Invitational when it's posted. I hope you become a regular reader and maybe even a regular entrant.



Best,

The Empress of The Style Invitational

The Washington Post

Pearl Maple said...

Oh tooo funny, delightful blog to visit every week.

Anonymous said...

What a fantastic list. My favorite is 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist. Excellent my friend :)

SandyCarlson said...

Oh, that was so much fun, Sylvia. Bozone resonated with me in a big way.

Thanks for your comment on my blog. That post was pretty personal and hard to write, and I didn't want to offend by being too personal. But then I thought, "We are not alone."

You're a super person. Have a great weekend.

magiceye said...

that was hilarious!!

Unknown said...

Thank you, thank you,thank you..I so needed a good laugh.

loved them all

Susie of Arabia said...

I loved these! What a fun thing for the Post to do each year.

Strawberry Jam Anne said...

I did enjoy that Sylvia - had me laughing out loud. Absolutely great. A x

Pat Myers said...

Not every year, Sylvia -- every WEEK! washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. It's not a blog, it's a feature in the newspaper.

Libertine said...

Thar was just great! I might even start reading Washington Post on those days :-)

What Can I Say?

What Can I Say?
I'm interested in almost everything. Use to like to travel, but it's too expensive now. I take Tai Chi classes, swim, volunteer in a Jump-start program for pre-schoolers. I'm an avid reader and like nearly everyone these days I follow politics avidly. I'm a former teacher and Special Projects Coordinator for a Telecommunications company, Assistant to the President of a Japanese silicon wafer manufacturing company. Am now enjoying retirement -- most of the time. I have two daughters, one son-in-law and two sons scattered all over the country. No grandchildren.

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