A Little More Humor for Wednesday!

4 worms in church  

 Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

 
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol... Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke... Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup... Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil... Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

 

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service!

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life in 2012 - Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People' 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary .... 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.. 9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can. 11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex. 12.. As you slide down the banister of life, may  The splinters never point the wrong way ....  Be who you are and say what you feel ... because those that matter ... don't mind ... and those that mind ... don't matter!

O.M.G., We're Rich!

Silver In The Hair
Gold In The Teeth
Crystals In The Kidneys
Sugar In The Blood
Lead In The Ass
Iron In The Arteries
And
An Inexhaustible Supply Of Natural Gas.

I Never Thought we would
accumulate Such Wealth!

 

One Day Employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
A good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
Unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"No, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the h*#l would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Maxine on the Job!

My 1 day Employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
A good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, Or stupid?'
So I replied,
'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I Just couldn't believe someone slept
with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Maxine on the Economy

Maxine's Love Making Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses.
TO make sure your partner is actually in the bed..

2. Set timer for 3 minutes,
In case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting.
(Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6... Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want...
The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?

Laughter Keeps Me Warm

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .........

'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
And be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss,the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

11. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

Cooking Tips from Martha and Maxine

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.














Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it, anyway!



Those are it for now -- more helpful hints later!

The Men in Maxine's Life

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed .

Then I go to see John.

Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he is here, he takes a lot of my time & attention.

When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired & glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.

What a life!

Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.

And I am thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.

Now remember:Life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and Count your blessings!!!!!

Maxine on Autumn

My favorite old gal