I miss you Sam!!

I miss you Sam!!
I miss you Sam!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Keeping a Straight Face!!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. 

  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget.
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do.
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you serious?

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid

ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death.
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral..

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Denise said...

Hi Sylvia, thank you for giving me a good laugh this morning. Merry Christmas and A Very Happy New Year.

Sally in WA said...

Too, too funny, Sylvia! Have a great day!

jlshall said...

These are great! I read them to my husband a little while ago, and he's still laughing!

Have a wonderful Wednesday!
~Joy @ Joysweb

jabblog said...

Unbelievable . . . but they did make me laugh :-)

Anonymous said...

BWAHAHAH these are just too funny. Have a great day :)

mrsnesbitt said...

Hilarious Sylvia. Thanks for your comments on my nativity - the latest one is just up your dtreet! lol!

Tarun Mitra said...

lolz being around here for while are they are all real..courts around the world are all same :)P

Jo said...

Oh my Sylvia, what a good laugh! Have a wonderful Christmas and a blessed New Year. Greetings from Jo

George said...

Thanks for the laughs. It was either that or cry!

nana_ang_poppaphil said...

These are hilarious Sylvia..I can't stop laughing

I love your jokes.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.. :)

Dave said...

Sending our love this Christmas to you and your family.

Best Regards,
Dave, Eng and Ysabelle

Merry Christmas and Sorry

Naturedigital said...

You made my evening again Sylvia.
Cant stop laughing.
I needed that.
Merry Christmas to you.

Yogi♪♪♪ said...

You made me laugh today Sylvia.

Tracy said...

What a great laugh, and you know what, i think in my next life, that would be fascinating; don't you?

Inger-M said...

So funny, thanks for the laugh!
Have a happy Christmas :-)

Jay said...

I've read some of those before - they are priceless, aren't they? Hard to believe that supposedly qualified lawyers could be so daft .. but on the other hand, maybe it isn't.

I like the one that ended 'Your honour, I think I need a new attorney'. LOL!

webruci said...

Great words in this hard times... thank you dear Sylvia:)
I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Hugs Robert.

lotusleaf said...

Priceless! I am starting my day with laughter. Thanks a lot, Sylvia.

Hooked on Memes said...

Excellent post, Sylvia! I'm LOL. Merry Christmas!

Arundhati said...

LOL! Hilarious. Fwding to friends :)

Grayquill said...

When I read the intro paragraph I thought...oh this will not be that good but I will read a few of them. Now here I am in the comment section and I confess, once I started reading them I could not stop. I hope if I am ever a witness in court of law I will be able to reconize the absurb. Funny!!

What Can I Say?

What Can I Say?
I'm interested in almost everything. Use to like to travel, but it's too expensive now. I take Tai Chi classes, swim, volunteer in a Jump-start program for pre-schoolers. I'm an avid reader and like nearly everyone these days I follow politics avidly. I'm a former teacher and Special Projects Coordinator for a Telecommunications company, Assistant to the President of a Japanese silicon wafer manufacturing company. Am now enjoying retirement -- most of the time. I have two daughters, one son-in-law and two sons scattered all over the country. No grandchildren.

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