One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a ChristmasGift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.When she asked me why, I replied,"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"And that's how the fight started.....________________________________My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while weWere in bed.I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?''No,' she answered. I then said,'Is that your final answer?'She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."And that's when the fight started...________________________________I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took myOrder first."I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""Nah, she can order for herself.."And that's when the fight started....._______________________________My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,And she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone atA nearby table.I asked her, "Do you know him?""Yes", she sighed, "He'''''s my old boyfriend. I understand he took toDrinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn'tBeen sober since.""My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebratingThat long?"And then the fight started...________________________________When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting toMe that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else toTake care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something moreImportant to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,Busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watchedSilently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only aMinute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "WhenYou finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.______________________________My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.She asked, "What's on the TV?"I said, "Dust."And then the fight started...________________________________Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,And slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the vanAnd proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discoveredThat the weather would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped backInto bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation,And whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupidHusband is out fishing in that?"And that's how the fight started..._______________________________My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcomingAnniversary.She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3Seconds."I bought her a bathroom scale.And then the fight started.......______________________________After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply forSocial Security.The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License toverify my age.I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and comeback later.The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at theSocial Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. Youmight have gotten disability too.'And then the fight started...________________________________My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you topay me a compliment.'I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."And then the fight started........________________________________I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'That's how the fight started.