Judas Asparagus

My daughter sent this to me and as a former teacher, this one really broke me up! It is so like something a child in all seriousness would write.   I wonder how often we take for granted that children "understand"  what we are teaching???
 

Judas Asparagus

    A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

    Through the eyes of a child:


  The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

    In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing
    but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,'The Lord thy God is
    one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.


    Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.


    Then God made the world.


    He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,but they
    weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.


    Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were
    driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in
    though, because they didn't have cars.


    Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was
    Abel.


    Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah,
    who lived to be like a million or something.


    One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,but
    one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put
    his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join
    him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.


    After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than
    his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange
    for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really
    loud sports coat.


    Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton
    Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the
    evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These
    plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.




    God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them
    His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke,
    dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.


    Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:Humor thy father and thy mother.


    One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to
    use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell
    over on the town.


    After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
    slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
    porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,but that doesn't sound very
    wise to me.


    After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
    these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up
    on the shore.


    There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have
    to worry about them.


    After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of
    The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn.(I wish I had been born
    in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the
    door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter
    of fact, I was.')


    During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the
    Pharisees and the Democrats.


    Jesus also had twelve opossums.


    The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named
    a terrible vegetable after him.


    Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to
    some Germans on the Mount.


    But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before
    Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed
    his hands instead.


    Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He
    went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His
    return is foretold in the book of Revolution.