1. I'm not saying, "Let's go kill all the stupid people." I'm just saying, Let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very angry.
4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
6. I don't like making plans for the day ... Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,508 days in a row.
8. I decided to change calling the bathroom "the John" and renamed it "the Jim". I feel so much better saying, "I went to the Jim this morning."
9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
10. Politicians should have two terms ~ one in office and one in prison.
11. Just remember, there is a major difference between intelligence and stupidity: intelligence has its limits.