Children in Church

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.     While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.      So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear." One Sunday in a Midwest City , a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.    Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.      Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!" One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am." A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"       One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping." A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.      Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.       With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam 's suit".   The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.      Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.      After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.   Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."   My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"       I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied. A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.       Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the  King James Virgin ?"   A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.      They were ready to discuss the last one.      The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.      Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

How About a Laugh to Start the Day?

A New Priest in Texas     A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.' The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit, what happened next?"

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to helping the other monks

in copying the old canons and laws of the

church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks

are copying from copies, not from the original

manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the

head abbot to question this, pointing out that

if someone made even a small error in the first

copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that

error would be continued in all of the subsequent

copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying

from the copies for centuries, but you make

a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath

the monastery where the original manuscripts

are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't

been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go

by and nobody sees the old abbot. 

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down

to look for him. He sees him banging his head

against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R !

We missed the R !

We missed the fu%@#ing R !"

His forehead is all bruised and he is

crying uncontrollably. The young monk

asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

'The word was...

CELEB R ATE

Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.  --------------------------  The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'  --------------------------  Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.  --------------------------  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.  --------------------------  Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.  --------------------------  Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.  --------------------------  For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.  --------------------------  Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.  --------------------------  Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.  --------------------------  A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..  --------------------------  At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.  --------------------------  Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.  --------------------------  Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.  --------------------------  Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..  --------------------------  The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.  --------------------------  Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.  --------------------------  The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.  --------------------------  This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.  --------------------------  Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.  --------------------------  The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.  --------------------------  Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.  --------------------------  The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.  --------------------------  Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.  --------------------------  The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. Oh, and a last minute note! HOW TO SPOT A METH LAB As a law enforcement officer I have been approached by several people lately wanting to know how to identify a Meth Lab. Here is a picture of four Labs.  I think it's pretty obvious which one is the Meth Lab.  I hope this helps. Let me know if I can be of any further service in this matter. Your local Sheriff

They ' re Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

--------------------------
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: ' Jesus Walks on the Water. ' The sermon tonight: ' Searching for Jesus. '
--------------------------
Ladies, don ' t forget the rummage sale. It ' s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ' Hell ' to someone who doesn ' t care much about you.
--------------------------
Don ' t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang ' I will not pass this way again, ' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don ' t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ' What Is Hell? ' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare ' s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church ' s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ' I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. '