A Womans Week at the Gym

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year my husband, the dear, purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and a model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air; then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the 'stair monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?! Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other idiotic crap too.
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THURSDAY:
Christo the Sadist was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late cuz it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny snitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine where I sank.
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FRIDAY:
I hate that tyrant Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. "I don't have any triceps!" I told him. So if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me those damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich." The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer like the drama coach or the choir director? ________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan, aka Christo, left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

One Down, Two to Go!

Thanksgiving is now behind us and we can all start looking forward to the next winter holiday, Christmas! Here in Seattle the big shopping began – can you believe this? At 4 AM! That’s when many of the big stores and malls opened! I don’t know about you, but I’ll pass! I really don’t like to shop any time, but certainly not this time of year and I don’t feel pressured to do so even for Christmas because – first of all, I have no grandchildren and we made such a big deal out of Christmas when all four of our kids were little, anything now would seem paltry. I sewed clothes and made toys for most of November and early December for many years. Now days we prefer to spend the money on plane tickets so as many of us as possible can spend the holidays together.

This morning I was catching up on some columns from the New York Times and got a real kick out of Gail Collins column from yesterday regarding counting our blessings. No, it most definitely is not going to be the brightest and best holiday season ever, but we still have things to be thankful for – great time to buy a condo in Reno, or a plane ticket to or from Dallas or Disney World! Bargains do, indeed, abound!

And we are the insolvent innocents! Retirement funds evaporated and who knows how we’ll celebrate birthdays in the coming years, but we can always take comfort in the fact that it wasn’t our fault! If it had been left to us, the subprime derivative never would have been invented in the first place and a clean conscience is worth more than all the golden parachutes, indoor squash courts and $13 million vacation houses around the world. And we can also be thankful we’re not in Iceland!

And then the really big blessing! George Bush is almost gone! Sure wish he’d stop dragging his feet though and just get on with it and bless Crawford, Texas with his presence.

And there’s Barack Obama! Now he’s a major blessing! in spite of everyone trying to second guess him with regard to his appointments. Maybe we should just focus on being grateful we aren’t widely respected economists ourselves, because like Collins, I feel God only knows what they’re going to do with this latest hairball

So, enjoy the holiday movies, be grateful you’re not related to Ashlee Simpson who just named her baby Bronx Mowgli????? And although we can never feel quite the same about turkey after that Sarah Palin video, lighten up! Start planning Christmas dinner and try to figure out how you can afford a bottle of bubbly for New Years Eve.

As for me, I’m going to kick back and watch Il Divo and wish to hell I was fifty years younger – well, at least for as long as the DVD lasts!