A Little Light Hearted Humor for the Day!!

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't  you say?   Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter  This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the next day.     I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.    Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says        Really? Ya think?  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers          Now that's taking things a bit far!    -----------------------------------------------------------  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over          What a guy!    ---------------------------------------------------------------   Miners Refuse to Work after Death  No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!  ------------------------------------------------------   Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant   See if that works any better than a fair trial!    ----------------------------------------------------------  War Dims Hope for Peace   I can see where it might have that effect!  ----------------------------------------------------------------   If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile     Ya think?!  -----------------------------------------------------------------------   Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures         Who would have thought!  ----------------------------------------------------------------  Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide    They may be on to something!  ------------------------------------------------------------------------  Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges         You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?    ----------------------------------------------------------  Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge        He probably IS the battery charge!  ----------------------------------------------   New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group   Weren't they fat enough?!  -----------------------------------------------    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft   That's what he gets for eating those beans!   ---------------- ---------------------------------   Kids Make Nutritious Snacks          Do they taste like chicken? ****************************************     Local  High School Dropouts Cut in Half          Chainsaw Massacre all over again!  ***************************************************  Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors          Boy, are they tall!   *******************************************   And the winner is....   Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead           Did I read that right?  ***************************************************

Proper Use Of The Modern English Language

Just keeping you in the loop for proper word choice, always looking out for precision communication.

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

2. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'

3. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

4. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

'VERBALLY REPETITIVE..'

5. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She has had a CEREBRAL LIPOSUCTION.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE

POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1.. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2.. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4.. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5.. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a 

severe case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6.. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'

These even made the donkeys grin!!

Wet T-Shirt Contest!!

What did you think it was gonna be?

Out of the Mouths of Babes ...... And an Old Man!

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'*****As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'*****Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old Granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.
Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'******
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children..
One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!******
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad It's okay if you don't know the answer.'
*****Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq ..' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'*****Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood
Diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, that's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'*****... And the old man and my personal favorite .. It's God's Problem Now :
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

A BOY AND THREE COINS!

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 coins to play the juke-box with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?'

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney.'

A Little More Humor for Wednesday!

4 worms in church  

 Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

 
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol... Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke... Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup... Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil... Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

 

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service!

Wednesday Humor!

Thought you should know that the book, "Understanding Women" is now out in paperback.

Thought you should know that the book, "Understanding Women" is now out in paperback.

Thought you should know that the book, "Understanding Women" is now out in paperback.

Thought you should know that the book,

"Understanding Women" is now out in paperback.

Thought you should know that the book,

And ........

  Better than a Flu 
Shot!  

  Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room.

She invited him to have a

  seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old  Hammond  organ,the young

minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,

and in the water floated. of all

things,a condom! 
When she returned

With tea and scones,they

began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it 
wonderful? I was walking

through the park a few

months ago and I found

this little package on the 
ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. 
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter. 
 

*********

Have a good day.