Wednesday Humor!

Thought you should know that the book, "Understanding Women" is now out in paperback.

Thought you should know that the book, "Understanding Women" is now out in paperback.

Thought you should know that the book, "Understanding Women" is now out in paperback.

Thought you should know that the book,

"Understanding Women" is now out in paperback.

Thought you should know that the book,

And ........

  Better than a Flu 
Shot!  

  Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor

came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint

sitting room.

She invited him to have a

  seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old  Hammond  organ,the young

minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water,

and in the water floated. of all

things,a condom! 
When she returned

With tea and scones,they

began to chat. The pastor

tried to stifle his curiosity

About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it 
wonderful? I was walking

through the park a few

months ago and I found

this little package on the 
ground.

The directions said

To place it on the organ,

Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. 
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter. 
 

*********

Have a good day.

Men (And Duct Tape) Can Fix Anything! ???????

 And if Women Ruled the World????

Stay tuned!!

Wednesday Humor!

Where Does the Time Go?

'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but you better live for today.  How quickly the years pass!!

 And another thing to remember!
Be sure to scroll all the way down to license plate!

National Holy Crap, You're Hot Day!

Another priceless piece from my 89 year old friend, Fran!

The New Motto for 2010!!

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."~Authur Unknown

A Poem About Our Girlfriends

Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances
Think about it!

The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
The most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children.
The richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes~ might be lonely.

So, love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
'I am too Blessed to be Stressed and too Anointed, to be Disappointed!'
'Winners make things happen~~ Losers let things happen.'

AND! The doormats for the day!

A UCLA Study

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

AND

Management with a sense of humor.

Guess Where This Is?



Viagra head office-----seriously!

And a Little Humor for the Day!

HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS B**CH

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,'' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.''

My kind of woman!

Oh, and I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

A Little Female Wisdom!

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my underwear...

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.



7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another
dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.



12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's happy to see you.

The Geography of Women and Men

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to
trade, especially for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and
convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece - gently aging, but still a
warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and
all-conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't
make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but
open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for
spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.

THE END.

Now, no offense intended here, but I've really been pretty nice over the holidays and that wicked one did pop out today! Hope you are all having a great day!

What a Woman Wants in a Man

Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What She Wants in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What She Wants in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I 'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What She Wants in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What She Wants in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What She Wants in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet..

Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is
like most women ­ she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received
the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs
were called.

9 September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it
as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out...

Male or Female???

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:


FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.


SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.


EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

New Law:

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota .

Women Who Know Their Place ........ A point of view.

Barbara Walters, formerly of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that
women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,
the women are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you
now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without
hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN.

Morning Giggle

I confess that I was not aware of this important fact which, as you might suspect was sent to me by a woman:

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.


This has nothing to do with brains as far as I know but is anyone else having problems with Internet Explorer? I'm having trouble acccessing other blogs or leaving a comment, just curious.

For the Women in Cyber Space This Evening

Between 16 and 20, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially with someone having lots of cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

Girls in My Circle

When I was little,
I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
God would show you the best in many friends.

One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom.
Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say, 'Let's cry together,'
Another , 'Let's fight together,'
Another , 'Let's walk away together.'

One friend will meet your spiritual need,
Another your shoe fetish,
Another your love for movies,
Another will be with you in your season of confusion,
Another will be your clarifier,
Another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,
On whatever the occasion,
On whatever the day,
Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself ..
Those are your best friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman, But for many, it's wrapped up in several..
One from 7th grade,
One from high school,
Several from the college years,
a couple from old jobs,
On some days your mother,
On some days your neighbor,
On others, your sisters,
And on some days, your daughters.

One for the Gals

Needless to say it's far too late for this old girl, but thought I should pass it on anyway since it came from a lovely, young friend of mine.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

Maya Angelou's Best Poem Ever

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship....

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
or a charming Inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS.

YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,

BUT YOU ALWAYS KNOW THEY ARE THERE!!!!!!