I miss you Sam!!

I miss you Sam!!
I miss you Sam!!

Friday, July 31, 2009

Tell Me This Won't Happen To Me!

Another of my friends that keeps me in blog material, sent this to me yesterday. I laughed and laughed as I read it and then suddenly all I could think of was -- what are you laughing about? Have you checked your age on your driver's license recently??? So, today I pass them on to you -- check your reaction!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94 year old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?' The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday..' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex...' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: 'You used to hold my hand when we were courting.' Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: 'Then you used to kiss me.' Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: 'Then you used to bite my Neck.' Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. 'Where are you going?' she asked.
'To get my teeth!'


80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,'Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!' An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, 'An elephant?' Bessie thinks a minute and says, 'Close enough.'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Hell,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it She was getting nervous at the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh! Am I driving?'



Chris said...

LMAO at soup or sex!

Sunny said...

I have been laughing for 20 minutes! Too funny! Thanks so much for sharing.
Sunny :)

patsy said...

funny, I decided when I got to old to drive I wouldn't and i don't of course I have 4 children to call for trips. It would be very bad if I didn't have someone who was willing and able to take me.

Craig Glenn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Craig Glenn said...


Please don't take this the wrong way but I wish you would not post stuff like this!

Not while I am at work! There is nothing funny about work and now everyone wants to know what I am doing over here in my cube!!!


Great stuff!

Craig Glenn

Linda Pendleton said...

Those are so funny.... LOL


Susan at Stony River said...

I them all -- though I can DEFINITELY see myself there in some years (I think I have a headstart...LOL)

It was Herman on the highway that made me hurt myself laughing. OMG!!

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Fabulously funny!!! The elephant one made me roar. I think we laugh because they are humorous, but there is a little fear of recognizing our future . . . hope we can still laugh then. Thanks I needed a good laugh.

bobbie said...

Ah yes. It comes to us all sooner or later.

Darlene said...

These are oldies but goodies and still funny. We have to laugh at ourselves or we would cry.

Butler and Bagman said...

I've always said that I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the people in his car.

Elizabeth Bradley said...

It's funny you should title this post "Tell Me This Won't Happen To Me!" Because that very sentence became my mantra when I spent the last 6 yrs caring for my dad with Alzheimer's. I DO NOT want to go out that way.

My favorite joke was Supersex. I learned to develop a sense of humor, especially when Dad had to go into the memory care facility. I spent a lot of time there, and believe you me, these jokes are right on the money. One lady was always chasing Dad around saying, "Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss!"

Had she said Supersex, he would have taken the soup.

Deborah Godin said...

You sure do a lot to spread laughter and smiles all over the place - loved this!!!

Mo said...

Oh where was I?

Chris said...

I've been laughing for ages. It makes you think though does't it.

Mare said...

One joke was funnier than the next! Many thanks for the many laughs.

kRiZ cPEc said...

Funny stuffs here. And hey, will you make a calendar, then?

Martha said...

These are great! ROFL! :-)

julie king said...

too funny! as long as i can laugh about it, i don't mind getting older(er). emphasis on the er part.

Neil Tasker said...

I came on to say something, but I'm buggered if I can remember......

robin andrea said...

I have often used the line, "oh am I driving?" when Roger and I are taking long road trips.

Sally in WA said...

These all so funny!

What Can I Say?

What Can I Say?
I'm interested in almost everything. Use to like to travel, but it's too expensive now. I take Tai Chi classes, swim, volunteer in a Jump-start program for pre-schoolers. I'm an avid reader and like nearly everyone these days I follow politics avidly. I'm a former teacher and Special Projects Coordinator for a Telecommunications company, Assistant to the President of a Japanese silicon wafer manufacturing company. Am now enjoying retirement -- most of the time. I have two daughters, one son-in-law and two sons scattered all over the country. No grandchildren.

Portland Time