I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
I may be schizophrenic,
But at least I have each other.
I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
Dyslexics Have More Fnu.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
When you work here,
You can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
That occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
I am having an out-of-money experience.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car
going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake,she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!'