Church Ladies With typewriters . . .

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.  --------------------------  The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'  --------------------------  Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.  --------------------------  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.  --------------------------  Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.  --------------------------  Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.  --------------------------  For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.  --------------------------  Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.  --------------------------  Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.  --------------------------  A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..  --------------------------  At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.  --------------------------  Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.  --------------------------  Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.  --------------------------  Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..  --------------------------  The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.  --------------------------  Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.  --------------------------  The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.  --------------------------  This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.  --------------------------  Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.  --------------------------  The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.  --------------------------  Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.  --------------------------  The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.  --------------------------  Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.  --------------------------  The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. Oh, and a last minute note! HOW TO SPOT A METH LAB As a law enforcement officer I have been approached by several people lately wanting to know how to identify a Meth Lab. Here is a picture of four Labs.  I think it's pretty obvious which one is the Meth Lab.  I hope this helps. Let me know if I can be of any further service in this matter. Your local Sheriff