Dear Employee,
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all departments in your area, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who will represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earning for Retirement Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your supervisor immediately. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And once again, thanks for the countless years of service with us! Have a great day!
Human Resources
Sylvia's world in thoughts and pictures
I miss you Sam!!
I miss you Sam!!
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I'm interested in almost everything. Use to like to travel, but it's too expensive now. I take Tai Chi classes, swim, volunteer in a Jump-start program for pre-schoolers. I'm an avid reader and like nearly everyone these days I follow politics avidly. I'm a former teacher and Special Projects Coordinator for a Telecommunications company, Assistant to the President of a Japanese silicon wafer manufacturing company. Am now enjoying retirement -- most of the time. I have two daughters, one son-in-law and two sons scattered all over the country. No grandchildren.
6 comments:
Oh, Sylvia, this is sooo good. I have to copy it and send it to a couple of friends.
So funny and true, it seems. I was replaced and then they ended up firing my replacement. I was asked to train my replacement. HAHA!! I quit. MB
This would be funny if it weren't do very, very true!
One of the criteria on how a society is judged/rated is by how it treats its elders.
So true. LOL I'm glad I could retire before I was asked to.
There's no doubt it's a case of throwing the baby out with the bath water when this attitute rears its head.
June in Oz
Loads of chuckles coming from me. I should print this out and post it on a bulletin board at work when no one is looking. Very funny.
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